Life... forever changing!

Wow! My life has changed so much in the last few months. The beginning of March my house was broken into for the second time within 2 years. They busted through the dead-bolted front door. They didn’t get much this time (my tv and dvd’s). But for some reason this time it deeply affected me. I was filled with fear. I no longer wanted to be at my home or alone. While my new front door was being ordered and a security system was being put in I had been staying at the Kwasts’ house. During this time Karen passed away (March 22, 2009) and I know that God placed me there during this time for a reason. It has been one of the hardest times of my life yet, I know that the Lord has been in it and right beside me directing my paths. This whole situation is totally breaking my heart and tearing me apart. It has brought back so many memories of losing my mom (at 10 years old). I know what those kids (Jacob, 9 and Julia, 7) are going through and how they are feeling and it breaks my heart. I realized after weeks of being an emotional wreck that I was not just grieving the loss of a dear friend, but I am also grieving the loss of my own mother. As a child, I never grieved. I didn’t know how. I didn’t understand what was happening. I have gone through sadness, anger, confusion… I feel that I have felt every emotion possible in the last few months. It has been very difficult, yet very healing for me.

I also have been helping the Kwast’s with so much since Karen passed. I love those kids so much and would do anything for them. I pick them up from school, take them to activities, help with homework, whatever they need. And I love it!

I feel that my life is forever changed. At times I don’t even know who I am anymore. I used to be so independent and free. I loved being alone and doing whatever I wanted whenever I wanted. That is no longer the case. I don’t want to be alone anymore. And that is okay. God is changing me everyday. I know that He is in this. I know that He has a plan for me. I am so thankful to be where I am today, no matter how difficult it has been. God is using me to help those kids through a very difficult time in their lives!

Seasons

"A season of obedience is followed by a season of blessings." - Pastor Jeff

Hmmm... this hit me good today. I believe this... I have seen this... I feel like I am right in the middle of these two seasons right now. I have always felt that God wanted me to finish my degree and that I was finishing up school in obedience to Him. I have (and have had for 10 years) a great job. I didn't need my dregree. But I knew in my heart that God wanted me to do this... and that he would bless me for it. SO, here I am... DONE! I have my degree (well, I haven't gone through the ceremony, but i have the credits) and now I am ready to jump into that season of blessings, right?!?!

The hard part of it is that we don't know when or how God will bless us for being obedient. I would like to be immediately blessed for my obedience, and in my way. BUT I know that this is not usually the case. I have no idea how or when GOD will bless me for my obedience in finishing school. But He will-- in His time and in His ways. And I know that i have already been blessed in so many ways!

I am thankful for every blessing that God gives me-- I don't deserve any of them.

Done! Now what?

So, this week I have finished up my final class in my Ministry Leadership bachelor’s program at Cornerstone University. I do not officially graduate until May, but I am done with the work! Wow! I cannot believe it. I am so excited and full of anticipation of what God is going to do next! The work was difficult, the hours put into it were long, but the lessons learned will last forever (not to mention the student loans!!).

I am so thankful that I have completed my degree at this point in my life. Now, even as I just finished turning in my final paper, I am wondering what is next? What does God have in store for me? What am I going to do with the rest of my life? How am I going to use this degree? I am so blessed. God has done amazing work in me and in my life. I thank Him every day for the gifts he has given me.

Even though I do not have any definite plans for the future, I know that God led me to this degree program, He guided me through the program, and He will continue to lead me… For now, I am going to rest in Him and enjoy the ‘free time’ that I have before I go and fill it up! Because if you know me, you know it won’t be long before my schedule is full again!

Detours

In a previous post I discussed “change.” Well, I would like to rename that to “detour.” Often in all of our lives, we hit “road closed” signs that leads us down different paths than what we expected or thought that we wanted. We are forced, sometimes, to change routes or directions in the pathway of life. It may have to do with schooling, career, relationship, marriage, or family. I know that I have hit many of these throughout my life, and surly will hit many more. It can be difficult to let go of what I thought I was working towards or moving towards in my life. It can be painful. Often at the time I don’t understand why it is happening. But I have always been able to look back and see that there was a reason for it. That it has worked out better that I could have planned or accomplished on my own, going my own way, in my own time.

One thing that I have learned is that even though the situation changes, my over all life mission stays the same. I am still a daughter of the King. I am still growing in my relationship with God. I am still living my life on purpose, in faith, and for God.

In Acts 8, Philip hits some “detours.” First he heads north, and many people come to faith. Then he heads south, and one man comes to faith. Even though his direction changed, his mission to share the Good News did not. His purpose remained the same, no matter where he was.

Sometimes when in these detours, we lose sight of God. We miss his goodness because we don’t expect Him to be there. Yet, He is. He is alongside us, helping us, comforting us, giving us strength in these times of troubles.

“Even when I walk through the darkest valley, I will not be afraid, for you are close beside me. Your rod and your staff protect and comfort me.” (Psalm 23:4)

Choose Joy

Today’s sermon at church really spoke to me. It was on Acts 7-8, about Stephen’s death. And how his death was a part of fulfilling God’s mission to spread the Gospel (Acts 1:8).

Bad things do happen to good, Godly people every day. Life is hard. We all go through rough times, tragic times in our life. I am thankful to say that right now I am not in the midst of tragedy. But I have had my share of “tragic” times. And I have always said that I am thankful for those times because it is those times that have shaped me into the person that I am today. And today’s sermon really affirmed that for me.

My life is a good story with some tragic parts. How I respond to these tragic times is very important. How I respond will shape the story of my life. I cannot control what happens to me, but I can control what happens IN me. When these things happen, I am able to choose how I respond. I must choose to respond in joy, peace, and love. Because it is what happens in my heart, that determines who I will be in the future. I must choose joy. I must expect God’s goodness in the end of all situations. I must believe that He is up to something good, even if I cannot see it today.

James 1:2-3, “When troubles come your way, consider it an opportunity for great joy. For you know that when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow.”

Knowing v. Feeling

I have to confess that today I have let the flesh take over. I am grumpy. I am questioning everything and don’t know why. I KNOW that God has a plan. I KNOW that everything will work out the way that it is supposed to. I KNOW that life is good. I KNOW that I am amazingly blessed. I have nothing to be grumpy about.

So, why do I feel so grumpy? So lonely? So unmotivated? So discouraged? Why am I questioning everything? Why am I not content with the way things are? Why am I filled with doubt? Where did my trust, peace, and patience go? Why doesn’t what I KNOW match how I FEEL?

Dream

This past weekend, an amazing woman challenged me to dream. She asked me what dreams I have for my life. I realized that I don’t dream enough. I don’t know if it is because I am fairly content with my life as it is, or if it is because I am afraid to dream, or if I don’t know how to dream, or if I am just too practical and realistic. So, anyway, this week I have been attempting to dream.

Dreams that have come true, by the grace of God:

A home. I love my house. I still am amazed and thank God for allowing me to have this place of my own.

A job. I am thankful that I am blessed with a job where I get to help people. Yes, there are days when my job drives me crazy, but I am thankful for the people that I work with, the things I have learned, the challenges I have faced, and the people that we help.

(Soon) A degree. I only have 2 classes left and I will have a degree!! That was a dream I have had since I was a kid. It is not in the field that I thought it I would be in, but still a dream come true!

Travels. I have traveled to Europe to spend time with my sister and her family. (I dream of more travels and adventures).


Dreams for the future:

I dream of having a Godly husband that I can share the rest of my life with.

I dream of having kids.

I dream of writing a book.

I dream of having a house/condo on the ocean; a vacation place.

I dream of taking a road trip across the country (maybe on a motorcycle!!).

I dream of going on a mission trip to an orphanage to share the love of Jesus with kids.

I dream of going on a cruise.

I dream of a better relationship with my father.

I dream of a reconciled relationship with my mom’s family.

So, I will continue to dream.

Thanks, my friend, for the challenge, inspiration, and encouragement to dream! You are a blessing to me!